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| Gosh! I've not written on this since January!! Amazing how time just goes by...and Facebook takes over one's life! Life is so much better now that the decision about Tijuana is over...God continues to confirm over and over that I'm where He wants me to be right now. I spent (or wasted) so much energy, emotions and time trying to convince myself that going on the missions-field was what God wanted when I had my God-moment in Honduras. In hindsight I remember writing in my journal from our little "suite" in Honduras, that I would go wherever God was calling me. The next words I journaled were: "God, if you're calling me to be a missionary in a Spanish-speaking country, I'll go. Or if this call is to stay and be an agent for change at MRCC and lead short-term trips, I'll stay." For some reason the first part of that statement (the missionary in a Spanish-speaking country part) was what I focused on from June - January...I forgot about the other "option" I'd given God.
So from June-January I desparately tried to convince myself that Tijuana was where God was calling me...even though I had a sick feeling in my stomach when I thought about it, I cried more than ever as I contemplated moving there...and I had a slight panic attack while I was in Tijuana visiting. And...I never felt fully comfortable with the person who would be my 'boss'. Hmmmm...But still I pressed on, telling myself that a change like this would certainly be difficult...God never promises that life is easy.
So then came the solitude retreat in January, where the goal was to make a final decision about Tijuana- would I stay or would I go? And (as I blogged earlier) the decision I felt God was prompting me to make was to turn down the offer to go to Tijuana, stay where I am and wait.
Since then I have received so much confirmation that I made the right decision, it's really amazing! God is so good to us! While He does want us to be willing to go where He calls us, He also wants us to be willing to stay where He has us. For me, this is McCord Road Christian Church, Toledo and Ohio...for now.
I'm spending today packing for another solitude retreat, but this one will be much different than the one in January. I'll spend some time enjoying some rest, being outdoors, praising God for His guidance, and just enjoying being in His presence. I'll spend time working on BOH training stuff, middle school camp talks, volunteer trainings for the fall and setting up the calendar for the next school year. I'm staying put and waiting until God calls me elsewhere. Whew!
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| About 2 years ago a close friend of mine, Angie, wrote a song for me based on Psalm 27. The song was titled "Wait for the Lord". Angie explained that her motivation for writing this was partially based on encouraging me as a single woman. She felt God prompting her to tell me to "wait for the Lord, be stong and let your heart take courage, oh, wait for the Lord." I've found great comfort in that song over the years, not only because my close friend wrote it, but because my Loving Creator was the original author. And yes, it has helped in those lonely times as a single person to give me the encouragement to keep my heart courageous and wait for the Lord and trust His timing. And so I have... The song by Angie was written 2 years ago, before the Honduras trip was even a consideration, long before receiving my call to missions, and even longer than the Tijuana experience and job offer. And yet God used it in a profound way this past week at the solitude retreat. I took some books, CDs, journals and different translations of the Bible. As I started out the time of solitude I also began a fast...I was really desparate to hear from God and wanted nothing to get in the way. I began by praying, asking God for forgiveness for all my sins (that took a looooongggg time), then asked Him what I should start with. He led me to a book on prayer and fasting by John Piper. The journey began. As I would finish each book or CD or scripture passage, I would ask God what He wanted me to do next. A thought would come to my mind and I would move onto the next thing. After several hours of this, I came to a point where I was feeling a bit frustrated...I'd not really received a direct word from God. There was this song running through my head that I'd heard on the new Chris Tomlin CD, but I hadn't really learned the lyrics that well. I was flipping through a journal I'd received for Christmas (from Angie), and then I asked God what He was trying to tell me. "Please make it clear, Lord". And then...woooshhhhh.....it all came together. The words of the journal, the song in my head, the scriptures I'd read, and the Psalm 27 song by Angie. THEY ALL HAD THE WORDS "wait for the Lord" in them. Uh...God can't make it any more clear than that! So...Tijuana is not where I'm supposed to be (I've turned down the job offer). I'm simply supposed to wait for the Lord. Normally I do not like to be told to wait, but in this case, I'm thrilled. I feel as though for the first time in the past 6 months I have peace deep in my heart. God will go before me and prepare a place for me. All I need to do is wait for Him. I will lead a couple of missions trips this year, start a bible study in my nighborhood, continue learning Spanish....and...continue singing the words to Psalm 27: "Wait for the Lord". | | |
| "Be still." "Sure--In the midst of Christmas, New Year's, end of the year stuff." "Be still." "Really Lord? Be still? Me? But I'm so busy getting things done, doing "your" work...and you want me to be still?" "Yes, Becky. I want you to be still...and know that I am God." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Don't you just love that still small voice? Yikes! Ok...so I'm going on this solitude retreat next week in order to be still. I'm not bringing a ton of work to do (like I usually do). I won't be loaded down with my laptop, ministry magazines, books to read, snack food, budget stuff, 5 thousand translations of the Bible, my calendar for the next few years...it's going to be me, a journal, my bible (in a couple of translations), a couple of pens and perhaps one other book. I'm going to do what God has been shouting at me ever since returning from Honduras...I'm going to be still. I need to hear from God so much more than I need to spend time planning these next few months of ministry. I've been doing ministry for 8 years now and pretty much have the schedule thing figured out. What I don't have figured out is this "be still" stuff. Oh! I also haven't figured out the "where God wants me to be" stuff. So I'm going to be still. Rid my life, for a few days, of all the stuff I cram into it. Quiet my heart, soul, mind and strength in order to love the Lord once again in all those parts of my life...and, hopefully, to hear directly from my Creator. To hear His words of love, of life and of direction. Psalm 46 starts with "God is our refuge and strength, and ever-present help in trouble." As I'm "being still", my prayer is that I will come to know that God of refuge, strength, presence and help. | | |
| "Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper." 1 Kings 19:11-13 My trip to Tijuana was a trip of obedience and one in which I truly expected to hear loudly from God as to whether or not Tijuana was my calling, the next step in my life. Surely He would make this clear and I would be able to return without a doubt in my mind as to what God wants me to do. I went to the orphanage. I toured the new facilities, played with some of the 75 children and talked with some of the staff. It was a great experience. Was this where I'd have my 'aha moment'? But the Lord was not shouting in the orphanage. I lived in the villa, the old orphanage. I lived with the staff, attended church on Sunday morning, bonded with the kids who live there. I began to feel incredibly welcome and comfortable there. Was this where I'd have my 'aha moment'? But the Lord was not screaming in the villa. I went to the city garbage dump. I worked with a team to build a house in 3 days, sang songs with the children of the dump, spoke with a pastor who wants us to renovate a church school within the dump. My heart was torn open in the dump. Was this where I'd have my 'aha moment'? But the Lord was not yelling in the dump. My 'aha moment', simply did not happen. I did not hear God shouting, screaming, yelling out a resounding "YES!" to me... ...but then again I didn't hear God shouting, screaming or yelling a resounding "NO!" either. As I've reflected on this trip, I can't help but think about Elijah's experience. He too thought that God would be in the loud moments, the powerful wind, earthquake and fire. But God chose not to reveal Himself in those moments. Instead He chose to speak in a gentle whisper. I always feel the closeness of God while on missions trips and it's also when I feel most open and most alive...when I'm on the mission field doing His work. Tijuana was no different, except I found myself constantly searching for that 'aha moment', expecting something on the level of a wind, earthquake or fire. And it never came. But neither did a resounding no. What did happen while I was there were tiny "God moments". Things that happened that can only be explained as being done by the hand of God. And the cool thing is that I wasn't the one running around pointing out such moments. I was the one who was searching for the big things, almost missing out on the God moments. Thankfully members of the team noticed the little moments and pointed them out to me. I went to Tijuana hoping for an 'aha moment' from God. What I got instead were several gentle whispers. I did not receive a resounding YES, but also did not receive a resounding NO. Prior to hearing God in the gentle whisper, Elijah had been scared of what the future held. He was the only prophet left and feared for his life. I can only imagine how paralyzed by fear Elijah was. And God spoke to him in a gentle whisper. Afterwards Elijah emerged from the cave. It was then that God marked out a clear path for Elijah. Elijah then went off, walking in obedience. Prior to Tijuana I was scared of what the future held. I'd never been to Tijuana and really was fearful of the unknown. God gently revealed Himself through several "God moments" rather than one big 'aha moment'. I did not hear a resounding NO so now that I'm back, I'm going to continue to move forward along this path that God seems to be laying out for me on the road to Tijuana. I'll walk in obedience until I feel God telling me to go a different way. | | |
| Well, in just a couple of hours, I will be on my way to Tijuana for my first visit, one that I'm praying will be my 'aha moment'. I'll get the chance to see the ministry first-hand: stay overnight at both the old and new orphanage sites, work with a team to build a house in the city garbage dump, meet people in charge of the various areas of ministry...and hopefully hear very clearly from God as to whether or not this is the new call on my life. Kind of a lot to cram into 5 days, huh? My friend asked me yesterday how I'm feeling about the trip. I'm truly not feeling much at all...just feel like I'm going through the motions, kind of numb. But then I realized that perhaps this is what walking in obedience is like: not relying on feelings or emotions, solely walking (or flying) where God is leading. Maybe that's why I'm not feeling much of anything...because emotions and feelings can so easily take us off the path God has laid out for us. Heaven only knows what's in store for me. And I'm open to just about anything now. Maybe God will call me to stay where I am, but be more open to walk in obedience, or maybe He's calling me to Tijuana. Only He knows. So the next phase of my life starts in just a couple of hours... Please pray for me. I'll be back Monday morning, Nov. 6. | | |
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